Norway in a Nutshell: Part 1, Food

"Those crazy Norwegians!" is not just a saying...

Like any other culture, we have some traditions that do not make any sense what so ever. Tradition being defined as something one do, just because it has been done again and again, and no-one ask why one do it.

The first one may notice is with regards to food.

If a Norwegian tries to impress you with local cuisine, he or she will most probably try to do so with a dish any non-Norwegian would regard as disgusting at best.

In Norway we try to gross you out. We're Vikings, and if you can't handle it, you're the opposite, a wimp. Not quite the approach your average french, spanish, greek or italian might go for.

In more civilized parts of the world taste is important. In Norway impressive food means it is impressive that you actually ate it. Taste, best summed up as salty, is not that important, and apart from the saltiness, not impressive by any means.

Worst part is, though those dishes might be very traditional Norwegian, they are not what you'd call popular.

So what am I talking of? The following are (nearly) only consumed at various traditional gatherings such as Christmas and Constitution Day festivities:

- Akevitt

Originally "Aquavitae", or water of life for those who know a bit of latin. No need to say it is a really strong drink, is there? Basically fermented and distilled potatoes, expensive versions have crossed the equator twice and gained "magical" powers due to it. Official versions, even the "magic" ones, are limited to 40% pure alcohol. Non-Official versions have no known limits apart from the 96% one, which is rather difficult to break.

The taste is debatable, but lack of popularity at any time but national holidays would suggest the drink will not make it to the national top 5 anytime soon. The hangover however, leave little doubt as to the detrimental effects of this particular poison. Avoid if possible. This is not a drink you can enjoy in small sips like say a good brandy or whisky. Like vodka and tequila, akevitt is best consumed in a fashion which make the taste last as short as possible, preferably with a good tastebud killer nearby. Which is why it is most often consumed with traditional norwegian food, which is designed to kill said such in the first place.

- Smalahove

Or sheeps-head. That is correct, chop one head off a sheep, torch the fur off it, scrape out the brain, boil for hours and then sprinkle with more salt than you'd get from the Dead Sea if we vaporized the lot of it. Next grill in oven for set amount of time and serve. Usually with the mainstay of anything norwegian-traditional; brown sauce and boiled potatoes and veggies, that is broccoli and carrots.

Ofcourse, the sheeps-head meat taste like lamb. Delicious lamb actually, though somewhat salty and dry.

But presentation people!? A huge platter with a dead and grilled sheep-head on it, do not quite spell yumyum.

- Lutefisk

Fish marinaded in caustic soda until the meat almost have dissolved. A traditional chemical experiment best performed whilst exploring the limits of how many shots of "Akevitt" one can take without the one or the other making one speak to god through the big white telephone.

- Pinnekjøtt

Pronounced "Pinni-shot". What it means is rack of lamb receiving the same treatment as Smalahove. Boil for hours, salt it beyond any recognition of tasty juicy meat and then just to make it that extra kind of dry, bake in oven under low heat for a few hours.

Serve with, erm, brown sauce, potatoes and mashed turnip.

- Rakefisk

Not that dissimilar to lutefisk. Another method to destroy fishmeat. First douse in vinegar, then salt it down. Not a pinch of salt, but buckets of it. Then pack it in, bury for a few months and serve.

Yes, no cooking needed. Not supposed to be served cooked. Norwegian Sushi if you wish.

Not tried this myself, never had time during the very short window of opportunity in Akevitt-enjoyment that would make me suspectible to eating this dish, and keep it down at the same time.

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What these dishes and treats have in common, is that usually you'll only encounter them at special times in the year. Which is another way of saying, we only appreciate these as a part of family tradition, not as a stand-alone meal.

To be honest, I see these meals as one of the reasons why family relations in Norway is breaking down... Don't blame "mass-murder simulator" videogames and evil "let's torch a church" rock. Blame disgusting traditional food, that would make any gourmet avoid anything combining the words norwegian, tradition, meal and family.
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So what Norwegian specialties should you try you may ask, since the more "esoteric" ones are quite simply disgusting?

- The local beer. If you love your beer, and who does not, exploring the plethora of Norwegian beer should take you some time and give plenty enjoyment. My favourites are traditional lagers, but you can find just about anything, including traditional mjød/mead. Or liquid bread as we call it.

- Bread, freshly baked. With real butter. On top of that, add Jarlsberg and smoked and salted ham. If that is to continental, try with mackerel in tomatosauce, but only the tin from "Stabburet", the others are foul knockoffs. Another mainstay on bread, is goatscheese, the brown kind. It is rather dry, so do keep a glass of milk or water close by.

- Strawberries. You really can not get more juicy and delicious strawberries than the Norwegian ones. Seriously. But there is a caveat; they are only in season from early june to late july. Until mid August if a particularily long summer. Outside of that period, strawberries are either imported or from a growhouse. Meaning they cost more and taste much, much less.

- Soft and medium boiled eggs. We're salmonella free, so it is quite safe. It may not sound as much, but when you've been in more hotels and countries than you bother to mention, and they will not serve you anything but cooked to death eggs for fear of salmonella, getting to Norway feels rather good at breakfast time. By the way, in Norway you eat your hot cooked eggs with unhealthy amounts of butter, not salt.

- Fresh shrimp and crab bought directly from the fishingboat. Caught at night, boiled in the morning and consumed that very afternoon. Preferably on fresh white bread with lots of butter, a bit of lemon-juice and mayo. Beer is only optional if underage, driving or pregnant. Whatever is applicable.

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Don't worry to much though. You can get great hot-dogs, hamburgers, chinese food and pizza just about anywhere. If you stick to our 3-4 largest cities, er, towns, you can get anything you want. Just one word of advice, if you like things spicy and hot, do not trust the menu. In Norwegian terms, "spicy" means traces of chilli and/or garlic can be tasted, and "hot" means it got a pinch of pepper in it.

If you want your food hot and spicy, you need to be very explicit when ordering. Like in: "I'd like a pitcher of water, ice cold, and the food should make we want to drink it in one big chug, not tiny slurp by tiny slurp!"

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Until next time, have a great night.